FIAFD Excerpt / out of word

Caius stared at him blankly, something heavy behind it; he looked exhausted. Maybe it shouldn’t have been a big deal. Maybe it just shouldn’t have been. Shit. But Caius was visibly still thinking.

Out of place. Out of word.

Caius was probably just half too confused to even process it. It sounded weird when he said it, only in context. And now it was painfully silent, and the night buzzed out tired behind his brain. Maybe there was no baseline; where was he even trying? Fatal error. He had talked too much. Caius was still quiet.

“okay.” It was incredibly quiet. He didn’t flinch away from his hand that time, so he set his palm against his shoulder. It really didn’t help anything.

“I’m sure you have a thousand other things to worry about instead. So don’t worry about it.”

Caius still didn’t move, only movement of trying to be still.

“okay.”

He bit his lip. Always should have thought it better through. Typical. Second best, he tried to curl up against Caius’s back, get him to stop being still, but he was always persistent, and that was exhausting. But some seconds and he made a weird sound so that he was actually at a loss, and Caius turned around, curled himself up, hid his face behind his hair and into the pillow.

Tentative, he pulled him back in, and Caius half-heartedly let him.
 


 

I particularly like this piece because I actually don’t remember what Julius said right before this takes place. Small excerpt from an upcoming project, Flesh is a Fever Dream.

 
 

Art + Some Blogging

Some recent digital art . . .

 

 

 

Life has been hectic this year, but with an extra little oomph, things should finally be going much better. So here is a bloggish ramble.

In the past year and a half, I’ve found more of a direction for myself, developed a better understanding of what I need to do to stay on track. Which also includes a better understanding of what sort of content I want to create, what I want to do with that content, why I want to share it, and how I’m going to share it.

I’ve been focusing more on drawing. Anatomy, proportions, posing, all that tedious hell. It’s frustrating. I’m happy, though, and it finally feels like I’m actually improving. So I hope to reach a point where I’m actually drawing more stuff that isn’t pages upon pages of gestures.

I haven’t written anything significant for a few months (and in that time I’ve realized Burn-In needs some major revisions, I’m glad I haven’t released much), and I’m trying to detach myself from the feeling that I need to know what to do with a piece of writing–stand alone story, zine piece, episodic novel?–and just write. I guess I have a fear of commitment and a fear of not following through. All I need to do is remember why I write in the first place. I like it. And that’s that.

Social media is giving me a headache. It’s so easy to be drawn to it and its gratification. (It’s designed to be addicting. Alas–I’m too weak to resist temptation.) But feels hollow in the end, just in it for the numbers.
So I’m trying to remove myself from it again and dissociate from the gratification of numbers.

I’m staying active on Twitter, DeviantArt (at least for the time being–it’s the only place my art actually gets noticed lmao), and teeter-tottering on whether to keep Instagram. It’s so full of people who just want you to follow them back that I don’t know if sifting through that is worth it. It makes me feel as though no one has a genuine interest in my art. But at the same time it seems to work out incredibly well for a lot of artists.

As a digital artist it’s almost innate to want a following, but I’ve realized what I truly want is to network with people who share similar interests, or are interested in accompanying me on the exploration I would like my content to be. This video about the new Twin Peaks helped me realize how much I don’t want to cater to a wide audience, and how even the eclectic and unconventional can be widely successful.

There are a few pieces of media (Naked Lunch, Blade Runner, Myst, Fahrenheit 451, Brazil (1985), House of Leaves, Nine Inch Nails, Deus Ex, Tool, to name a few) that have dramatically impacted my psyche, and how I approach my own art. (I hope to create work that is equally as psychological. As of now it feels as though I’m stuck in a boring skill-building phase. Boo. ) That’s the reason I want to share my art. Just in case something I create can have that sort of impact, however few or many people it is. And I hope I can have an active exchange of thought and content with any audience I might form.

Instagram artist with 150k followers? Eh. I’d rather be a cult classic.